Dealing with Sudden Loss

Article EP Tribune 7 November 2024

Dealing with sudden loss

When it comes to sudden loss, particularly tragic loss, we grieve differently.  When processing the loss of someone who has had a long and painful illness, we can experience guilt over our feelings of relief and desire to get back to living a ‘normal’ life.  But with sudden loss, the experience of grief can express itself differently. The nature of the loss and the nature of our relationship with the person we have lost can significantly impact our experience of grief.

Complex grief can occur when we have unresolved conflict or a difficult relationship with a person. The loss of opportunity to resolve and repair the relationship can play on our minds. The mix of emotions between love, hate, anger, confusion, remorse, and frustration can take their toll as our minds seek clarity and resolution.

Disenfranchised grief can occur if the lost one is someone we are not able to grieve publicly.  This can be due to suicide or because our relationship is not recognised in some way.

Shock is a common emotion after a sudden loss. Our brains want to protect us and shut down. We can go numb, withdraw, or have difficulty understanding our world and the sudden gap in it. We may experience poor memory and loss of focus and concentration. We may withdraw from others or seek to distract ourselves from overwhelming emotions, thoughts, and pain. This is a natural grief response.

Anger is another common emotion after a sudden loss.  Particularly if it is something we think could have been prevented. We may feel angry at the person or others around us (including God or the Universe).  We may be angry that they left us, that they made the choices they did, or that we didn’t do more.  We may be angry that we ran out of time, didn’t tell them we love them, or that our last words were angry. The list can be endless.

This article is here to tell you it’s ok.  It’s okay to be angry, lost, confused, numb, overwhelmed, or in conflict and experience regrets and resentments.  It’s ok not to be ok.  There is no right or wrong in grief.  We are complex humans with complex emotions and relationships, never more so than when we grieve a sudden and tragic loss.

It’s okay to take time to grieve. In counselling, we say, “You need to feel it to heal it.” While this is true, in those early days when we are numb and in shock, our brains also protect us until we can start to feel and process those emotions.

Most importantly, it is a time to be gentle with yourself. If you are going through a loss, you won’t be at your best, and it’s okay to lower the bar on what you expect from yourself.  Speak kindly to yourself if you are forgetful, break down in tears, or have a ‘moment’.  It’s okay not to be okay when going through an experience like this.

When we experience a loss, it often changes the dynamics of our relationships, family and circumstances.  There is now a gap in our life. An essential part of the grief process is rebuilding the structure of the family and/or relationships into its new form. This does not mean we will forget our lost one, but rather that we are forming a solid bond of love to unite in memory of the lost loved one

The following strategies to support those going through grief are here for when you have reached the processing stage of your grief. You can do just one or pick a few. Again, there are no rules when it comes to grief.

Activity 1:  Regrets, Resentments & Appreciations

·        Write out all your regrets about the person and the loss. Write until there is no more to write.

·        Follow this up by writing about all your resentments about your life with this person and the situation.

·        Then, finally, write about your appreciation for having this person in your life.

Activity 2:  Have a Doona Day/Hour/Week

·        Find a weighted blanket or doona, especially for this purpose, if possible.

·        Give yourself a time limit to feel and express this pain. Sob it out as much as you need to. Watch a sad movie that makes you cry if you need to. Cry it out and feel it. Release the pressure valve.

Activity 3:  Art Therapy

·        Find art paper, pencils/crayons, paint, or charcoal.

·        Allow all the thoughts, emotions, and confusion to rise. With your non-dominant hand (eyes open or closed), allow the feelings to move your hand and ‘draw the feelings’.

·        Repeat, page after page, until you feel calmer and clearer.

Activity 4:  Write Your Story

·        Write the story of your life with this person. Where you met, how you got on, significant memories, joyful and sad moments.

·        Read the story to a trusted friend or therapist who can witness your story. 

(Preferably, someone who will listen and not interrupt, correct or analyse).

Activity 5:  Free Write

·        Find a notebook you can tear the pages out of.

·        Start writing whatever comes to mind: no punctuation, Capitals or Full Stops.  Just write whatever comes to mind. It could be about putting the bin out, just writing, and allowing your thoughts to flow.

·        After you have finished writing several pages, tear them out of the notebook and safely destroy them.

·        Do not read back what you have written.